Joey: "Hey, Rach, listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back."

Rachel: (looking at her hands) "Oh my God, let me see that." (grabs the book from Joey)

Joey: (laughing) "You fall for it every time!"

(Rachel throws the book at him in disgust)

(Phoebe enters with a large bag)

Phoebe: "Hey. Look, I brought you my old maternity clothes."

Rachel: "Oh, Pheebs, that's so sweet--" (takes a pair of pants out of the bag) "Oh, those are so cute!"

Phoebe: "Yeah, and look…" (takes pants) "See how they expand as the baby grows? And then after the baby's born they're great for shoplifting melons."

(Monica enters)

Monica: "Oh good, you're all here. Ok, Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o'clock."

(Joey gives a thumbs up)

Monica: (to Rachel) "Oh, and guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?"

Rachel: "No."

Monica: "He was in Ross' class. Marching band. Was kinda overweight. Well, really overweight. I mean, I was his thin friend."

Rachel: "Wow, I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?"

Monica: "No! That was Gerad! Wow. I haven't thought about him in a long time." (pause) "Anyway, um, Will's here on business. And he didn’t have a place to go, so I invited him here."

Rachel: "Oh, that's nice."

Monica; "Yeah. Oh, and by the way, he has lost a bunch of weight. I mean, he looks goo-ood. Ok, I mean, really, really gorgeous."

(Joey clears his throat)

Monica: "I still love Chandler."

Joey: "Wouldn't hurt you to say it once in a while."

Monica: "Ok. And also, just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year."

Joey: "What?"

Monica: "Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey."

Joey: "Phoebe!"

Phoebe: "Turkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals."

Joey: "No they're not. They're ugly, and stupid, and delicious."

Monica: "Alright, ok, it's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel is having her aversion to poultry."

Joey: "She is?"

Rachel: "Yeah, don’t you remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?"

Joey: "Yeah, but I thought that was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table."

Monica: "Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people, ok? It's just, it's a lot of work." (starts to head for the door)

Joey: "But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like- like, 4^th of July with no apple pie! Or- or Friday with no 2 pizzas!"

Monica: "Alright fine, if it means that much to you, but it's just, there's gonna be a ton left over."

Joey: "No, no, no there won't. I promise, I will finish that turkey."

Monica: "You're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one setting?"

Joey: "That's right! Cause I'm a Tribbiani! And this is what we do! I mean, we may not be great thinkers. Or, or world leaders. We don’t read a lot or run very fast, but dammit we can eat!"

Monica: "Honey, isn't it weird to think about how next year at this time there will be a little baby at the table?" (Chandler turns at looks at her with shock and fear) "Rachel's. But good to know where you're at."

(Chandler smiles and nods)

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: "Hey."

Monica: "Hey."

Phoebe: "Happy Thanksgiving."

Monica: "You too."

Phoebe: "Anything I can do to help?"

Monica: "Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this but he's really into the game so I don’t wanna bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins?"

Phoebe: "Sure."

Monica: "I'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams." (sees Phoebe folding the napkins wrong) "No, no, no, no, sweetie. No. Not like that, we're not at a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?"

Phoebe: "Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me."

(Monica leaves)

Phoebe: (to Chandler) "So, how's the game?"

Chandler: "I have no idea."

Phoebe: "What?"

Chandler: "Yeah, I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have t help out with stuff."

Phoebe: "I don’t believe you! That is… brilliant! And Monica has no idea?"

Chandler: "Nope. Every once in a while I just yell and scream stuff at the TV." (Monica enters) (at the TV) "Hey! Oh, ah, ugh, hey!"

Monica: "Your team winning, hun?"

Chandler: "Oh, yeah, Anderson just scored again." (to Phoebe quietly) "There's no Anderson."

Phoebe: (quietly to self) "Well, I wanna get in on this." (to Monica) "Hey, Mon, I don’t think I can help you after all. I didn’t realize this game was on."

Monica: "Oh. I didn't know you liked football."

Phoebe: "Well, normally I don’t, but, ya'know… Green Bay is playing."

Monica: "You like Green Bay?"

Phoebe: "Well, it's only like my favorite bay!"

(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch)

(knock at door, Monica answers it)

Monica/Will: "Hey!" (they hug)

Will: "Happy Thanksgiving."

Monica: "Ah, thanks. God, Will, I'm so glad that you came! You look great! You must've lost like…"

Will: "One hundred and fifty pounds. Yeah, I'm gonna be in one of those Subway Sandwiches commercials!"

Monica: (shuts the door, holds out her hand to accept a pie from Will) "A pie."

Will: (hands her pie) "Alright, it's no fat, no sugar, no dairy… it's no good, throw it out."

Monica: "You wanna meet some people?" (steps closer to the couch) "This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will."

Will: "Hey."

Chandler: (standing) "Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand, but I'm really into the game. Plus I think it'd be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other." (sits down, but continues to look at Will with a bit of jealousy)

Monica: "This is Phoebe."

Will: "Hi."

Phoebe: (turns to glance at him) "Hey." (turns back to the TV, realizes he's gorgeous and mouths the word 'wow', then looks to the heavens) (quietly) "Well done."

(Chandler looks up, then shoots Phoebe an odd look)

Monica: (to Will) "Can you give me a hand?"

Will: "Sure. Monica, I can't get over how great you look. You look stunning."

Monica: "You look incredible too! You're just- you're so fit!"

Chandler: "I'm watching the game, but I'm not deaf."

Monica: "Oh, um, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming."

Will: "Ross is coming, great! I love Ross."

Monica: "Oh, good. And Rachel Green too."

(Will stops what he's doing, his expression shows him to be upset)

Will: "Oh."

Monica: "Is there a problem?"

Will: "Nope. Uh, it's ok. It's just, uh… God I hated her."

Monica: "What?"

Will: "Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But, hey, it was a long time ago. I'm in a good place. It might be actually fun to see her again." (pause) "You got any cakes or cookies or something?" (looks around) (to self) "No, Will! No!"

Chandler: (to Phoebe) "Y'know, it's been a while since we screamed something. Maybe we should."

Phoebe: "Oh, ok."

Chandler/Phoebe: "Oh, c'mon!" "No! Oh!"

Phoebe: "Damn you Raff, you BURN IN HELL!"

(Chandler gives her an odd look)

(Joey enters eating potato chips)

Monica: "Hey! What're you doing? You gotta save room. You got almost an entire turkey to eat."

Joey: "Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm up my stomach first. Eatin chips is like stretching."

Monica: "Ok."

Joey: "Don't worry. Tribbiani's never get full."

Will: "Actually, I know what you're talking about and I'm here to tell you something friend, you can eat and eat and eat, but nothing will ever fill that void."

(Joey smiles and nods, then turns to Monica)

Joey: "Who the hell is this guy?"

Monica: "Will, from high school." (to Will) "Joey."

Joey: "Oh, hey."

Will: "Hello."

(Ross enters)

Ross: "Will!"

Will: "Ross!"

Ross: "Hey, you came! Man, you look incredible! Hot stuff!" (they hug, Ross' expression shows he realizes how lame that was to say) "Hot stuff?"

Will: "It's good to see you man."

Ross: "Yeah, you too. Man, so, so, what're you up to?"

Will: "I'm, a, commodities broker."

Ross: "Really? Yeah, that sounds interesting."

Will: "Yeah, it's not."

Ross: "Ah."

Will: "But I'm rich and thin."

Ross: "Ah, hey. Man, I don’t think I've seen you since, Lance Davis' graduation party."

Will: "That was such a fun night!"

Ross: "It woulda been good if we had gotten in, still, real fun."

Will: "Yeah, we were so lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?"

Ross: (chuckles awkwardly) "Yeah."

Will: "So, what do you do now?"

Ross: (pause) "So, how long are you in town?"

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: "Hi."

Monica: "Hey, sweetie."

Will: (eyes narrow, teeth gritted) (quietly) "Rachel Green."

Ross: "Oh, oh, that's right. Are you gonna be ok?"

Will: "Oh, I'll be fine. It's just… I hate her Ross! I hate her!" (starts to mangle a Thanksgiving decoration hanging near him, Ross stops him)

Ross: "Will, high school was a long time ago."

Will: "Look at her standing there with those yams. My two greatest enemies, Ross. Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates."

Rachel: (finally noticing Will) "Oh my God, Monica, who is that?"

Monica: "That's Will from high school."

Rachel: "Ah! I do not remember him. Wow, he's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on."

(Will is glaring at her HARD)

Rachel: "Oh my God, look at the way he's just staring at me."

(Will's still glaring)

Rachel: "I think he's trying to mouth something to me but I can't make it out."

(Will mouths: 'I hate you')

(Monica understands it, Rachel doesn't)

Monica: "Ok, dinner's ready!"

Chandler: (gets up off the couch) "Ok."

Phoebe: (also gets up) "Yeah." (turns the TV off)

Chandler: "Solid effort. Solid effort."

Monica: "Ah, so who won?"

Phoebe/Chandler: "Green Bay." "Detroit."

Monica: "What?"

Phoebe: "Well, the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay… Mermen."

(Will approached Rachel, Rachel turns and he's right in front of her)

Rachel: "Hi, Will, right?"

Will: "Right."

Rachel: "Right. Hi, I'm Rachel Green."

Will: "Oh, I remember you."

Rachel: "Really? Aren't you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh, oh! Hang on! I think I remember you! Did we, um… did we fool around at Lance Davis' graduation party?"

Will: (angry sarcasm) "You are unbelievable."

Rachel: (oblivious) "Thank you."

Monica: (interrupting) "Uh, Rachel, Rachel, why don’t you sit here… and Will, you sit way over there."

(everyone is seated, Monica brings out a silver platter with a silver lid, lifts the lid to show a fairly small chicken)

Joey: (scoffs) "That's it? Even if no one helps me I could eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge."

Monica: "This is Chandler's chicken." (walks away and returns) "This is the turkey." (sets a huge turkey next to the chicken)

Joey: (looks concerned) "Oh. How big is that?"

Monica: "About nineteen pounds."

Joey: (to Rachel) "It's like me when I was born."

Rachel: "Alright, who would like some yams?" (lifts the dish and extends them towards Will) "Will?"

Will: "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Rachel: "What?"

(Joey extends turkey towards Ross)

Rachel: "Oh, y'know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just 'yeach'."

Will: (while pretending to cough) "Typical."

Rachel: "I'm sorry, what?"

Will: "I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green. Queen Rachel, does whatever she wants in her little Rachel land." (pretends to flip long hair back)

(Rachel looks confused)

Joey: "Seriously, who is this guy?"

Rachel: "Sorry, um, do you- do you have a problem with me?"

Will: "I don’t know. Do I? Do I?!"

Phoebe: "I think you do."

Monica: (to Rachel) "Apparently, you were a little mean to him in high school."

Will: "A little mean? You made my life miserable."

Rachel: "I- I'm sor- I had no idea, I'm sorry."

Will: "Well, you should be! Screw it! Bring on the yams!"

Monica: "But, Will, you've worked so hard--"

Will: "YAMS!"

Monica: "Ok."

(Monica & Chandler both move quickly to pass the yams to Will)

(Will starts to pile a huge amount of yams on his plate)

Rachel: "Um, Will, I just wanna say that I'm real sorry for whatever I did to you in high school…" (looks anxious about the amount of yams he's spooning onto his plate)

Will: (still spooning yams) "Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club." (stops spooning yams)

Rachel: "You had a club?"

Will: "That's right! The 'I hate Rachel Green' club!"

Rachel: "My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me? Who else was in this club?"

Will: "Me, and Ross." (points at Ross)

(Rachel looks at Ross)

Ross: "No need to point, she knows who Ross is." (hands yams across the table to Rachel, she makes no move to take them)

Rachel: (to Ross) "So, you were in a 'I hate Rachel' club?"

Will: "Yes he was." (puts his hand up to high-five with Ross)

Ross: "No, no."

Rachel: "So, who else was in this club?"

Ross: "Uh, actually, there was also that exchange student from Thailand, but, I don’t think he knew what it was."

Rachel: "So, Ross, we went out for two years and you never told me you were in a 'I hate Rachel' club?"

Will: "You went out with her? We had a pact!"

Ross: "That was in high school. It's not like it was binding forever."

Will: "Then why did it have the word 'eternity' in it?"

Rachel: "Ok, Monica, did you know about this?"

Monica: "I swear I didn't." (to Will and Ross) "Hey, is that why you guys used to go up your bedroom and lock the door?"

Ross/Will: "Yeah."

Monica: "Hmm. A little relieved, I gotta say."

Ross: "Look, rach, I'm sorry, ok? I was a stupid kid, ok? The only reason I joined--"

Will: "Co-founded."

Ross: "Co-founded. Co-founded the club was cause I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it, the 'I hate Rachel' club was really the 'I love Rachel' club."

Will: (standing) "Uh, except that it was really the 'I hate Rachel' club."

Rachel: "Ok, so what, you guys would just like get together and like say mean things about me?"

Will: "We did a little more than that."

Ross: "No, no. No, no. No, no."

Phoebe: "What- what- what else did you do?"

Will: "We started a rumor."

Rachel: "What rumor?"

(pause)

Phoebe: "Oh, c'mon, Will. Just take off your shirt and tell us."

Rachel: "Ross!?"

Ross: (stammering) "It was no big deal, uh, we- we said that- the rumor was that… you had both male and female reproductive parts."

(Will starts laughing)

Rachel: "What?"

Will: "That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but that you still had the hint of a penis."

Rachel: "Oh my God!"

Monica: "You started that?"

Rachel: "What? You heard that?"

Monica: "Everyone at our school heard it!"

Chandler: "Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?"

Rachel: "Oh NO!" (pause) "Oh my God, this is all making so much sense to me now. This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me. This is why Billy Tratt would only stay in" (gestures to chest) "this region!"

Ross: "Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now, so that one's not really our fault."

Rachel: "Monica, how come you never told me this?"

Monica: "I thought it might be true. And I was afraid you were gonna cry, and then show it to me."

(Joey starts staring at Rachel's crotch)

Rachel: (hits Joey) "Joey! Stop staring! There's nothing there! It's not true!"

Joey: "I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof."

Rachel: "Ugh!" (storms out)

(The turkey is sitting on the table in front of Joey, it looks eaten, but then Joey turns it around to reveal it's only half eaten)

Joey: (to turkey) "You are my Everest."

Monica: "Joey, you don’t have to finish that."

Joey: "Oh yes I do! Otherwise, what's next? Today I'm just the guy who can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a power bar, then wraps up the rest and puts it in the fridge?! No! No, I just gotta change my pants." (stands to leave) "What was I thinking? Jeans have no give!"

(Rachel enters from across the way, yearbook in hand)

Rachel: "Ok, ok, listen to what Shawn McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year. 'Dear Rach, you're such a great person--' Not 'girl', 'person'."

Ross: "Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it."

Rachel: (shows Ross the yearbook) "'Dear Rach, you're a great person. Sorry about your teenie weenie.'"

(Will starts laughing)

Ross: "Look, what do you want me to do? You want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?"

Rachel: "Yes."

Will: "Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?"

Monica: "Oh! Me too?"

Ross: "Look, look, I'm not calling anybody. It was like, a million years ago!"

Rachel: "I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half-and-half!" (Ross smiles) "Ya'know, I just want to point out, I never did anything to hurt you in high school."

Monica: "That's not totally true."

Rachel: "What?"

Ross: "What?"

Monica: "Well, you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50 year old librarian."

Ross: "How did you know that?!"

Monica: "It's true?!"

Ross: (sheepishly) "No."

Rachel: "Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!"

Will: "Mrs. Altman? She also made out with" (name I can't pronounce or spell) "the night before he went back to Thailand."

Chandler: "I'm sorry, in high school you made out with a 50 year old woman?"

Ross: "Hey! She didn't look 50!"

Chandler: "Did she look 16?"

Rachel: "Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook, actually." (shows picture in yearbook)

Phoebe: "Oh." (looks at picture) "Wow!"

Ross: "She didn’t photograph well!"

Chandler: "Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings."

Phoebe: "So, how did this happen? Did she lure you to an early-bird dinner?"

Ross: "I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the 2 of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. One thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender." (pause) "May she rest in peace." (bows head)

Monica: "Didn't she walk with a cane?"

Ross: "Only when it was damp!" (to Rachel) "I can't believe- you told people about this? Everybody knew?" (to Will) "Y'know what? I'm back in the club!"

(Will jumps off the couch)

Will: (while giving Ross a high five) "Yeah!"

Phoebe: "I wanna join!"

Rachel: "Ugh! Phoebe!"

Phoebe: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school, but, three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour."

Rachel: "Alright, fine! You guys can have your stupid little club! But I would just like to say that what you did to me was way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a teenie weenie!"

Will: "Yeah, ha-ha…"

Monica: "Alright, listen, you're just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school. I mean, everyone wanted to be like you! One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll!"

Rachel: "Wow…"

Monica: "And Ross, if it wasn't for Rachel's rumor, no one in high school would've even known who you were. She put you on the map!"

Ross: "As a romancer of the elderly."

Monica: "Hey, Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman, you could tell she used to be pretty."

Ross: "The eyes did still sparkle."

Monica: "Look, guys, this stuff is just so way in the past. You've been through so much since then. And right now you've got so much more important stuff going on in your lives. Can't you just let this go?"

Rachel: "She's right."

Ross: "Yeah, I mean, we are having a baby together."

Will: "Hold on. You got her pregnant?"

Ross: "Yeah."

Will: "Are you getting married?"

Ross: "No."

Will: "So, you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her." (puts up his hand for a high five) "Dude!"

(Ross and Rachel just give him odd looks)

Will: "Anybody?"

(Chandler shakes his head 'no')

Phoebe: "Ok." (she hugs him and his hand remains in the air for a moment, then he drops it - the hug lasts a few seconds) "Exactly like how I imagined it would be."

(Joey enters wearing Rachel's maternity pants Phoebe had given her earlier)

Joey: "Alright, where's that turkey?!" (he points at it, as if challenging the turkey to 'take him on')

Phoebe: "Joey, those are my maternity pants."

Joey: "No, no, these are my Thanksgiving pants!" (sits down and gets ready to finish the turkey)

Joey: "I'm done." (pushes the turkey away) "Whoo!" (wipes brow) "Oh, here comes the meet sweats."

(Chandler hands him a napkin)

Monica: "Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you."

Chandler: "Yes, I believe we can expect a phone call from the president any moment now."

Phoebe: "Is there anything we can do for you?"

Joey: "No, just, nobody press on my stomach."

Rachel: "You can keep those pants, by the way."

Joey: (sees Monica doing something) "Hey, uh, what-do-ya got there? What is that, pie?"

Monica: "Yeah. You want some?"

Joey: "Uh, just cut me a little sliver. - A little bigger. - Bigger. - What, are you afraid you're gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!"