The One With The Stripper
Transcribed by: Steve Blue
Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Scene: [The gang are all in central perk except Ross]
Rachel: Hey Pheebs
Phoebe: ya
Rachel: im having dinner with my dad tomorrow night do you wanna come.
Phoebe: [shrugs her shoulders] sure his kinda sexy.
Rachel: Oh no oh ill be there to.
Phoebe: ok so will just come up with some kind of signal if its going well you can take off.
Rachel: No Phoebe I just need you there for support, I haven't told him that im pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh why not?
Rachel: because I no his gonna flip out and I hate it when he gets angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel this is all so pappa don't preach.
Rachel: what Phoebe wait a minute his a scary guy I mean one time he caught me smoking and he said if he ever saw me doing that again he would make me eat the in-tire pack.
Phoebe: wow oh alright I will be there.
Rachel: ok.
Phoebe: gosh im not gonna let that man make you eat your baby.
[They both sit down, Phoebe spots a guy walk in the door]
Phoebe: Oh hey [spots someone she thinks she noes] who is that guy I think I no him.
Monica: [panics] no you don't.
Rachel: [she realizes who it is] no you don't.
Phoebe: OH MY GOD! MONICA HIS THE STRIPPER FROM YOUR [claps] bacheloret party.
Chandler: [with a upset face] Her what.
Phoebe: your secret bacheloret party.
Chandler: [angry] you had a bacheloret party?
Phoebe: she untied his g-string with her teeth [laughs, realizes she's still talking about it] somebody stop me.
Chandler: I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor, bacheloret party's we agreed it was a silly tradition.
Joey: [angry] it's a grand tradition.
Monica: im sorry they surprised me there was nothing I could do.
Rachel: well you could of untied it with your hands.
Monica: oh.
Joey: this is so unfair the one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party oh but I wasn't allowed to all we got was a stupid steak dinner.
Chandler: you went home with the waitress.
Joey: [thinks] oh yeah that was a pretty good night.
Chandler: I cant believe you didn't tell me, you know that the 2 pillars of marriage are openness and honesty.
Monica: oh I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
Opening Credits
Scene: [Phoebe, Rachel & Dr. Green are at dinner]
Dr Green: what do you say I just order everyone the Moroccan chicken.
Phoebe: Oh I don't eat meat.
Dr Green: its chicken.
Phoebe: yeah I don't it that either.
Dr Green: I never understand you lesbians. [turns to Rachel] so baby tell me what is new with you.
Rachel: well actually umm.
Waiter: [interrupts Rachel] coughs your 74 lefeet sir.
Dr Green: 74 I ordered the 75 that's a magnificent wine 74 is sewage [angry] why would you bring me sewage? Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot is that why you're a waiter.
Waiter: this is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight. [runs off]
Dr Green: oh come on [goes after him] don't be such a baby.
Rachel: incase you didn't notice that is a scary man.
Phoebe: his right though the 74 is absolute piss.
Rachel: [stressed out] this was such I huge mistake I cant tell him Phoebe I cant I cant I cant I cant.
Phoebe: [interrupts] Rachel.
Rachel: no its ok this is whats gonna happen im gonna wait a couple of years and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: why so he can get mad at the baby.
Rachel: hey that is the babies problem.
[Dr Green comes back]
Rachel: oh everything ok with the waiter?
Dr Green: I have no idea I went to the bathroom., so sweetie you were starting to tell me what is new with you.
Rachel: uhh [pause] I got Tivo.
Dr Green: whats Tivo?
Phoebe: its slang for pregnant.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Dr Green: are you really pregnant.
Rachel: well uhh yes and no except not no so to sum it up yeah.
Dr Green: who is the father? Oh no please don't tell me its her.
Rachel: uh no its Ross its Ross you like Ross [makes a funny face] oh daddy I hope your ok with all of this I mean think about it this is a good think your.. this is your first grandchild your gonna be a pappy.
Dr Green: that's true.
Rachel: yeah.
Dr Green: im gonna be a pappy, [laugh and cries a little] im gonna be a pappy. [calms down] so when is the wedding?
Rachel: The who?
Dr Green: [a little angry] the wedding? Theres going to be a wedding young lady don't you tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a basterd. [very angry] Rachel Karen Green! Tell me there's gonna be a wedding?
Rachel: Febuary 2nd.
Scene: [Ross, Mona, Chandler & Joey are in central perk]
Mona: so it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Ross: oh thanks although uh it kind of seemed like you were falling asleep there.
Mona: oh no no I I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and you know take it all in.
Ross: yeah a lot of my students do that.
Mona: mmm [they both nod] so h I gotta get going.
Ross: oh ok ill see you tonight?
Mona: yeah
Ross: ok [they kiss and she gets up]
Mona: oh hey thanks again for showing me your semi precious stone collection it was amazing.
[Ross smiles and nods, Mona leaves]
Chandler: my god you must be good in bed.
Joey: so you and Mona its been a while now hows it going?
Ross: uh its good uh, its going good I mean we get along great she's she's so [thinks]
Joey: Hot! [smiles]
Ross: well I was gonna say sweet but Yaha!
Chandler: [laughs] and shes ok with Rachel and the baby.
Ross: well I, I haven't actually told her yet I don't wanna scare her off you know.
Chandler: well you have to be honest with her other wise you may think that your going down the same path but your really going down different ones.
Joey: [angry] im gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
[Monica enters]
Monica: oh my god you are gonna love me so much I felt really bad about the whole bacheloret party thing so tonight your gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler: [smiles] what.
Monica: I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to dance for you [laughs] am I going in the wife hall of fame or what.
Chandler: honey that's crazy I don't want you to get me a stripper.
Joey: would you let the lady talk.
Monica: come on, come on it'll be fun it'll make me feel so much better.
Chandler: look I appreciate it but it's a little creepy you know, im not a bachelor anymore.
Monica: so don't think of it as a bachelor party think of it as a, a 2 month anniversary present.
Ross: sure one year is paper but 2 months is lap dancer.
[Joey nods]
Monica: [begs] please I feel so bad just watch the hot woman get naked.
Chandler: alright fine but im only doing this for you.
Joey: [excited] YA!
Chandler: and Joey.
Monica: thank you, alright who else do you wanna invite.
Chandler: uh no no no just Ross, Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross: uh actually sorry uh I cant even make it im seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand I mean who would cancel an actual date just to go to a fake bachelor party.
Joey: [on the phone canceling his date for the night] im sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby.
[They all look at him and he holds his thumb up]
Scene: [Back at the restaurant Phoebe is talking with Rachel]
Phoebe: im sorry I want be able to make it to your imaginary wedding but im, im really busy that day, I, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun barmitsfa.
Rachel: I no, I no I panicked I panicked I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some 74 letour.
Phoebe: its lefeet the 74 letour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Rachel: [see's her dad coming back] alright here he comes im gonna do this im gonna tell him im gonna be strong.
Dr Green: I just called a friend of mine I think I may be able to book the plaza on short notice.
Rachel: really, the plaza ah daddy [hugs him looks at Phoebe she gives her a signal] right daddy I need to talk to you please sit down.
Dr Green: what is it sweetie?
Rachel: theres not gonna be a wedding, Ross an I are not getting married.
Dr Green: what.
Rachel: im sorry daddy.
Dr Green: I don't believe this.
Rachel: I no but daddy stay calm please
Dr Green: [angry] stay calm how do you expect me to stay calm this is unexcitable Rachel [very angry] and I wanna no why. [calms down a little] is it because that punk Ross wont marry you that's it is that it?
Rachel: [scared] yes he said im damaged goods.
[Phoebe is shocked]
Scene: [Chandler & Joey are waiting for the stripper to arrive]
Joey: so you uh nervous about getting married?
Chandler: what're you doing?
Joey: look lets pretend that it's a real bachelor party you know before your wedding it'll be more fun.
Chandler: alright, I cant believe tomorrow is the big day.
Joey: hows it feel knowing that your never gonna be with another woman again huh, knowing your gonna have to wake up to the same face e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Chandler: your right this is more fun.
[knock at the door]
Joey: that's her ok come on.
[they both go to answer the door, they open it]
Hooker: hi.
Chandler: hi.
[Joey just blows on his party toy]
Hooker: [walks in] so which one of you lucky boys is chandler?
Joey: uh uh that's me. [takes her jacket]
Chandler: that's me.
Joey: Joey Tribiani big fan [smiles]
Hooker: so is there a bedroom?
Chandler: yeah, yeah right over there.
Hooker: alright whenever your ready. [walks of into the bedroom]
Chandler: that was weird.
Joey: why would she go in the bedroom.
Hooker: im waiting.
[they walk into the bedroom and then walk back out again]
Chandler: so shes a…
Joey: yep that's one naked hooker.
Scene: [Mona is at Ross's apartment]
Mona: I love your place [see a statue of some sort] where's this guy from.
Ross: uh that's a 18th century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
Mona: oh wow.
[They sit back]
Mona: so your more then just dinosaurs.
Ross: so much more.
[They both laugh and start kissing when Mona knocks the artifact off the table and it smash's]
Mona: oh, oh my go, oh my god I am so sorry.
Ross: oh forget it, its from pure one.
[They carry on kissing when there's a knock at the door]
Ross: im sorry [gets up and answers the door]
Dr Green: [shouting] you think you can knock up my daughter and not marry her, im gonna kill you.
Ross: you no this is actually not a great time for me.
Dr Green: [shouting] so come on [shuts the door] explain yourself geller first you get my Rachel pregnant.
Mona: you got Rachel pregnant?
Ross: [trying to make himself not look bad] who did?
Dr Green: [shouting] you did.
Ross: [trying to explain to Mona] yes, yes I did but, but it was just a one night thing, it meant nothing.
Dr Green: [angry] oh really, that's what my daughter means to you nothing.
Ross: no, no sir she means a lot to me I mean I care I love her Rachel.
Mona: [shouts] what!
Ross: I mean not in that way I mean I [laughs] im not in love with her I I love her like a friend.
Dr Green: oh really is that how you treat a friend you get her in trouble and then you refuse to marry her.
Ross: hey I offered to marry her.
Mona: [confused] uh
Ross: but I didn't want to.
Dr Green: [still shouting] well why not so you could spend your time with this tramp.
Mona: Tramp.
Ross: uh im sorry [introduces them] Dr Green Mona, Mona Dr Green.
Scene: [Chandler and Joey are trying to work out what to do with the Hooker]
Chandler: I cant believe there is a naked hooker in there.
Joey: wait, wait maybe she's a hooker and a stripper but she got confused about what she's supposed to do.
Chandler: could be I mean technically she did strip we, we just missed it.
[Joey nods and they walk over towards the bedroom]
Chandler: mam, uh are you also a stripper.
Hooker: ah no but I can pretend to strip but that's gonna cost extra, ok here's the extra's hand calf's, spanking.
Chandler: nah nananan [Joey pulls Chandler away from the bedroom]
Joey: maybe Monica's playing a joke on ya, you know getting her own husband a hooker, that's pretty funny.
Chandler: that is funny, maybe for my birthday she'll murder someone.
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it to, I mean he was conveniently busy.
Hooker: do you mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: oh actually I'd rather you [pause's] yeah go ahead [turns to Joey] were gonna have to burn that room down anyway.
Scene: [Ross is stuck in between Mona & Dr Green]
Mona: how could you have kept all of this from me.
Ross: I, I was going to tell you but…
Dr Green [interrupting] but what you think you could get what you want and then dump her like Rachel.
Ross: Hey I did not dump Rachel [turns to Mona] nor are we still together.
[Phone rings]
Ross: [Trys to get past Dr Green but he wont let him] can I just, why don't we just let the machine get that.
Joey: Hey Ross its Joey there's a Hooker over here and we though maybe you know something about it.
Ross: [scared angry etc.] NO NO NO NO NO I, I, I need to lie down.
Scene: [Monica's at the restaurant]
Stu: so tonights the night of the big bachelor party?
Monica: yeah hey thanks for giving me that grils number.
Stu: no problem, say who's the party for?
Monica: My Husband.
Stu: you hired your husband a hooker.
Monica: she's a stripper.
Stu: no she's a hooker.
Monica: is that what they call strippers sometimes.
Stu: when there hookers.
Monica: oh my god stu I cant believe you did this your absolutely sure she's a hooker?
Stu: either that or she's the best most expensive date I ever had.
[Monica runs out of the kitchen to go home]
Scene: [Joey & Chandler are still trying to work it out]
Joey: maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Chandler: why would she do that?
Joey: maybe she wants you to learn something, is there anything your really bad at you no sexually.
Chandler: this is the worst bachelor party ever.
Hooker: whats taking you boys so long?
Joey: in a minute.
Chandler: [freaked] In a minute? Whats gonna happen in a minute?
Joey: alright, alright maybe you should just ask her to leave?
Chandler: why me?
Joey: hey its your bachelor party.
Chandler: which is why you should do it.
Joey: I don't want to you do it.
Chandler: you do it.
Joey: you do it.
Chandler: alright rock paper scissors who has to tell the whore to leave.
[Gets in position to play, Joey smiles]
Chandler: what.
Joey: I miss this.
Chandler: I don't think we'e actually done this before.
Joey: no no no no I miss hanging out with you.
Chandler: we stil hang out.
Joey: not like we used to , remember you and me used to be inseparable [sits down] know its like things are different.
Chandler: well you know things are different im married now.
Joey: yeah sure and hey don't get me wrong I am so happy for you guys but I just I miss hanging out just, just us, you know.
Chandler: [smiles] yeah I miss that to.
Joey: yeah.
Chandler: I tell you what from now on will make time to hang out with each other.
Joey: you got it, come ere.
[they hug, and the stripper comes out the room and see's them hugging]
Hooker: oh god listen I am this close to robbing you guys.
[Monica comes running in shouting]
Monica: she's a hooker, she's a hooker, she's a [stops running in and shouting] hi we spoke on the phone [walks over to her and shakes her hand]
Scene: [Phoebe & Rachel are at Rachel's apartment and Ross come's in]
Ross: so your dad dropped by, his a pleasant man.
Phoebe: oh no I better go.
[Walks over to the chair and sits down]
Phoebe: Just over here I don't wanna miss the fight.
Rachel: Ross im so sorry, ok I, I promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person or via e-mail.
Ross: I don't care about your dad, I care about Mona she was there and now she's totally freaked out.
Rachel: oh ok ill fix it to whats her e-mail address.
Ross: Rachel.
Rachel: alright i promise ill fix this I swear ill, ill, ill talk to her.
Ross: ok.
Rachel: ok.
Ross: thank you.
Phoebe: that's it, you call that a fight come on, [in Rachel & Ross's voice] we were on a break no we weren't what happened to you to.
Scene: [Ross's apartment Mona, Rachel and Ross are there]
Ross: thank you so much for coming back over.
[she walks in and see's Rachel]
Mona: oh good, you're here yeah I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
Rachel: I no Mona please here me out first of all I am so sorry about my father yelling at you but I heard that you totally held your own your gonna have to tell me how you did that.
Ross: focus.
Rachel: ok, um but ok yes Ross and I used to date and yes we are gonna have a baby but we are defiantly not getting back together.
Mona: how can I be sure of that?
Rachel: oh because we drove each other crazy I mean he was possessive he was jealous he could never just let the little things go.
Ross: trying to date this woman.
Rachel: right, none of that compares to how kind and, and gentle and thoughtful [links with his arm] he is.
Ross: probably shouldn't touch me.
[she lets go]
Mona: I, I just don't wanna get in the middle of something so complicated.
Rachel: I no, but what relationship isn't complicated I mean we all have out baggage you must to why else would you still be single, im so gonna leave right now.
[Rachel leaves]
Ross: shall I leave this open for you to.
Mona: im not sure yet, why didn't you just tell me about all this.
Ross: because whats going on with Rachel has nothing to so with how I feel about you.
Mona: yeah well you still should of told me.
Ross: I no.
Mona: I was going to but [pause] I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel's father, look I, I made a mistake its only because I really, really, really like you really.
Mona: ok, I guess you can close the door now.
[He close's it and the kiss, then Rachel comes back]
Rachel: forgot my purse, oh you guys made up, his a great kisser isn't he?
[Ross goes to shut the door]
Rachel: im going.
Scene: [Monica trys to make it up to Chandler]
Monica: I swear I didn't know she was a hooker I mean [smells something] did you let her smoke in here?
Chandler: her ass print is still on your grandmothers quilt, you really want to talk about somking.
Monica: you know what im gonna make this up to you, I promised you a stripper. [gets up and put the music on] and your gonna get a stripper. [undo's her jacket]
Chandler: Monica wait.
Monica: What.
[He puts on his crown]
Chandler: carry on.
[She starts to take her jacket off and it gets stuck]
Monica: oh these tinner shoe's are so tight, I think ill take them off.
Chandler: could you not narrate.
Monica: gotcha sailer.
[She kicks her shoe off and smash's something in the kitchen]
Closing Credits
Scene: [Rachel is reading while her dad yells on the phone]
[Phoebe comes in and here's Rachel's dad]
Phoebe: oh you told your dad the truth.
Rachel: about an hour ago.
Phoebe: wanna go see a movie?
Rachel: yes [she put the phone on the counter and leaves him to talk] bye dad.
[they leave, Joey come's out of his room he walks past the phone and here's somone taking, he looks around and see's it's the phone, he picks it up and listens]
Joey: hey I do to think about the consequences of my decisions [listens] well what gives you the right to [listens] go to hell [hangs up, gets a beer from the fridge] Stupid guy on my phone.
End